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| I have worth.
I look at that phrase and have to consider why it is so difficult for me to write it. It is not because I don't believe that it's true. I know that I am deeply loved by both God, by my family, and by the many friends I have been blessed with. People tell me enough that I am a wonderful person that I would be stupid to doubt it. It's just that it feels selfish to focus on it.
Is that a bad thing?
I love my family. I love my friends. I love them as much as I can, but not as much as I want. For as long as I can remember, this has been a completely normal feeling for me. Listening to them, caring for them, BEING with them. This is what makes me happy. Stephen Bobbett once said to me that I probably don't consider a day truly fulfilling unless I have spent time with a good friend. I think he's right. Just thinking back over the last few weeks, the best days are ones I spent with my closest friends. THAT is what makes me happy.
Being alone depresses me. It creates a sort of void that screams for me to seek out friends and talk, listen, or even just sit there and do nothing. As long as there is someone else. This is what drove me to call Thomas tonight and ask for prayer and consoling. I got more than I bargained for. We talked for well over two hours. About how work is becoming increasingly more draining and less satisfying to me. About how I've become used to the idea of rejection. About how badly I want to love someone completely unconditionally.
Everything eventually kept coming back to one essential point:
I need to love myself.
That is much more difficult to admit than it should be.
I need to find where I feel most content in work without constantly trying to fill a role I don't want. The only rejection I should be concerned with is my rejection of myself. In order for me to love unconditionally, there needs to be the condition that I get love in return.
There is so much more to it than that convenient turnabout, but it doesn't take away from the truth of what he pointed out. Truly, all of the issues in my life stem from that simple realization. Something very few people know about me is that I was suicidal when I was in fifth grade. At the time, I truly felt my life was pointless and didn't particularly care what happened. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I didn't want my family to be sad.
Putting others before myself is something I do completely naturally, and that is something I am grateful for and hope others can benefit from. But if I could sacrifice my own happiness for the happiness of others, I probably would, and THAT, as Thomas very plainly told me, is not acceptable.
And so from our conversation I came to three major, life-altering conclusions.
I am NOT okay with being single. Meeting and marrying my future wife is my heart's strongest and most desperate desire. There is nothing that I wish for more. I would be lying if I tried to claim otherwise. It falls short only of doing God's will. I want it that badly. Being single is like a constant reminder that she is still out there and I am still not able to love her with absolutely all of my heart. As long as this is true, there is no way I can be completely content with being single. This realization came very easily, but unfortunately also led me to the second.
I need to stop searching for her. This is much more difficult to explain, and even harder to accept. If my desire for marriage is surpassed only by my devotion to God, I need to be willing to trust that He is aware of that, and has planned accordingly. When it comes to romance, I should either be in a state of preparation or pursuit. Until I meet that woman, I should be focusing on making sure I am exactly the man God wants me to be and the man that she needs me to be and nothing less. When that time comes, if I have been prepared well, it will be so clear to me that I will have no other option then to immediately begin pursuing her without rest. It sounds corny and naive and romantic but it also strikes me as absolutely perfect. Which brings us to the last realization.
I must expect something in return. Even more difficult than the last, because it is the most against my nature. Yes, I can look forward to meeting the woman who will be my wife and loving her for the rest of my life. But loving her is not enough. Thomas mentioned that the more time he spends in a relationship/marriage, the more he feels it is more about receiving than giving. It doesn't work unless you are getting something back. My brain can't even begin to grasp that concept, and yet it carries a certain hint of truth. I need to be willing to set specific requirements in a wife so that I will be able to recognize her when she arrives. (see above)
It has been an interesting evening, to say the least.
I really should have been asleep four hours ago, but my brain and heart are both far too restless for me to be tired.
Pray for me. Please.
| | |
| My sister is awesome. She sent this to me as an email, and it is truly special because with very few exceptions, this is the childhood that we shared together, and I miss it. Thanks Stacy.
PS: I was born in 1982, but I love the 90s
If you're under the age of 13...you shouldn't even read this... and if you do, you should not repost this.
Just because you were born in '97 does NOT mean you're a 90's kid.
It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons.
Three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it.
You're a 90's kid if:
You can finish this [ice ice _ _ _ _ ]
You remember watching:
-Doug
-Ren & Stimpy
-Pinky and the Brain
-AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!
-Rocko's Modern Life.
-Gargoyles
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"
You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin west philidelphia born and raised . . ."
You remember:
-Legends of the Hidden Temple
-Step by Step
-Family Matters
-Dinosaurs
-Boy Meets World
-Wild and Crazy Kids
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
New Kids on the Block
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence... not
You settle arguments with:
-rock paper scissors or
-bubble gum bubble gum in a dish or
-daddy had a donkey inky binky bonky.
-skunk in the barn yard
-ms. mary mack
-big mac a tea a tea
cops and robbers was a daily activity.
You played Hide and go seek until our legs grew numb.
when we used to obey our parents
You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of all time.
"Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" was both a game AND a TV game show.
Captain Planet. He's a Hero.
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together.
You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genesis became popular.
You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.
You remember watching Home Alone 1, 2 , and 3... and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
You remember watching:
-The Magic School Bus
-Wishbone
-Reading Rainbow
-and Ghostwriter on PBS
You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
You remember those Where's Waldo books.
You remember eating Warheads.
You remember watching:
-the 1st Batman
-Aladdin
-Ninja Turtles
-Animorphs
-Ghostbusters
You remember watching...
-My Little Pony
-Gummi Bears
-Tail Spin
-Goof Troop
-Chip n' Dale Rescue Rangers
You remember Ring Pops.
You remember drinking Surge and Tang.
If you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"
When they made the new lunchables so that you could make pizza AND tacos.
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
Making those little paper fortune cookie things, and then predicting your life with them.
You played and/or collected "Pogs" :)
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.
one word. . . . . . . . Furbies.
You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.
And Windows 95 was the best.
You watched the original Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.
Michael Jordan was a king.
YIKES pencils and erasers were the stuff!
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.
You remember when the new Beanie Babies and Talking Elmo were always sold out
You collected those Beanie Babies.
Carebears
Gak was the coolest stuff invented.
Lambchop's song never ended.
The old dollar bills.
Silver dollars, which were cool to have.
Everyone watched the WB and yelled at people who interupted them.
You collected all the Troll dolls
If you even know what a walkman is.
You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.
You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.
Before the MySpace frenzy . . .
Before the Internet & text messaging . . .
Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .
Before MIKE JONES . . .
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .
Before Spongebob . . .
Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs.
When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off of our walkman.
When checking out drawing books and that one book about the rainbow fish from the library was THE cool thing to do.
You had slap bracelets!
Way back.
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.
Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!
Post this in your bulletin if you remember these days
Post with the year you were born | | |
| I didn't have to turn my head whenever you walked in
The only one to let these chills roll down my skin
My heart beats faster, I hear your name
I feel my confidence slippin' away
I thought I was doin' fine
'Bout to get you off my mind
I see your face and then I'm
Wrapped around your pretty little finger again
It feels like ages since you laid down in my arms
I see no good reason but still I'm tangled in your charms
My God, you're smilin' and you catch my eye
My heart is pounding deep inside
I thought I was doin' fine
'Bout to get you off my mind
I see your face and then I'm
Wrapped around your pretty little finger again
Ain't gonna let no man go down without a fight
'Cause my stalls and walls look better in the bright day light
My heart beats faster, I call your name
I feel my confidence slippin' away
I thought I was doin' fine
'Bout to get you off my mind
I see your face and then I'm
Wrapped around your pretty little finger again
Your pretty little finger
Baby, I'm wrapped around your pretty little finger
Pretty little finger | | |
| Scott's right. They aren't really quirks, just random facts. Also, he's the one to blame for this.
1. What are your initials?
SAS
2. What is your favorite thing to wear?
T-Shirt and shorts
3. Last thing you ate?
Cold Stone Ice Cream
5. I say Shotgun, you say?
Sure, why not.
6. Last person you hugged?
Allison Fode
7. Does anyone you know wanna date you?
If they do, I'd be interested to hear it.
9. Name something you like physically about yourself.
Having big arms means big hugs. I like hugs.
10. The last rumor you heard about yourself in school/work?
Um... I get around? (very inside joke that was not meant seriously)
11. Who is your best friend?
Close match between Sean Carlson, Brad Wagner, and Ryan Lucchesi
12. Why are you still up?
Because I don't want to go to sleep. I should, but I don't want to.
13. Who/What made you angry today?
Callers at work. There were only 2 of us and A LOT of them.
16. Favorite type of Food?
Chocolate followed by beef. But not together. Ew.
17. Favorite holiday?
Christmas.
18. Do you download music?
No. My library is tiny.
19. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Not particularly, though I do prefer a clean pair to a worn pair.
20. Who's your favorite celeb?
Probably Steve Carrell.
21. Would you date the person who posted this?
Um... no. Scott is not a girl, and that's sort of a prerequisite for me.
22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
Yes.
24. Do you like Bush?
I used to.
25. Have you ever bungee jumped?
NO, and I have no intentions of changing that.
26. Have you ever gone white-water rafting?
Canoeing on a river is probably the closest I've ever been.
27. Why are you taking this quiz?
Boredom and putting off sleep.
28.Do you miss anyone right now?
Yes. Lots of people.
29. Have you met a real redneck?
Not in person. Talked to quite a few on the phone though.
30. How is the weather right now?
HOT. Really hot.
31. What are you listening to right now?
The fan. BECAUSE IT'S HOT.
32. What is your current favorite song(s)?
Probably "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist"
33. What was the last movie you watched?
History of the World Part I
34. Do you wear contacts?
No. I don't like them.
35. Where was the last place you went besides your house?
Allison's apartment.
36. Whose car did you last ride in, with whom, and why?
My car with Allison and Bethany for ice cream and general mayhem.
44. Favorite TV show?
House, M.D.
46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb?
Some people have said I resemble Harry Connick Jr., but I don't see it.
48. Who would you like to see right now?
Sean or Joanne. Two of my closest friends who I haven't seen in far too long.
49. Favorite movie?
I couldn't choose just one movie as my favorite. I'll go with the Spider-Man trilogy for now.
50. Do you find yourself loved?
Definitely
51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do?
A few times.
52. Favorite beer?
I have just recently found a taste for Hefeweizen, but I drink it sparingly.
53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn?
Butter and salt.
54. What Magazines are you reading?
I read whatever gaming magazines my roomies get and pretty much nothing else.
56. Has anyone you were really close to passed away recently?
No one that I'm aware of.
58. What's something that really bugs you?
People who let their children run out of control.
59. Do you like Michael Jackson?
I like what he used to be.
60. Do you prefer day or night?
I prefer night, which is a problem working during the day.
61. What's your favorite smell?
Probably freshly baked cookies.
62. Favorite baseball team?
I don't really watch baseball. Ever.
63. Favorite cereal?
I really like Life.
64. If you weren't at the computer, what would you be doing?
Sleeping. Or playing video games.
65. What's the longest time you've gone without sleep?
Somewhere around 60 hours. I was pretty close to legally insane.
66. Last time you went bowling?
For Ryan's birthday.
67. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
In the middle of Chemistry class. The class ended and they left me there after trying to wake me up. True story.
68. Who was your last phone call?
Emilie Murray
69. Why was this question missing?
It was missing? I wouldn't have noticed.
70. What's the closest orange object to you?
A game card from Dave & Busters.
| | |
| Oddest title ever I suppose.
LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Steven Andrew Stokes
Birth date: December 29, 1982
Birth place: San Diego, CA
Current Location: Azusa, CA
Hair color: Dark brown
Righty or lefty: lefty
LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE
Your heritage: Mostly Hispanic on my dad's side (not many people believe this) washed out by my mom's European mix.
Shoes you wore today: Black tennis shoes
Your weakness: Freshly baked cookies or a cute girl. And don't even get me started on a cute girl with freshly baked cookies.
Your perfect pizza: Barbeque chicken pizza
Goal you'd like to achieve: A wife and kids. Everything else is gravy.
LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW
Your most overused phrase: Either "Bastard!" or "What the crap?"
Your thoughts first waking up: "Ugh. I'd rather be sleeping."
Your best physical feature: Everyone says my eyes and I'm inclined to agree.
Your bedtime: Between midnight and sunrise usually
Your most missed memory: Childhood in general. Things were simpler.
LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi.
McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King because McDonald's is gross.
Single or group dates: Single... wish I had more of them
Adidas or Nike: Shoes
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: I don't drink tea.
Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate!
Cappuccino or coffee: Does Frappuccino count? Otherwise coffee.
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
Smoke: No.
Cuss: WAY more than I should
Single: I am confused by this.
Take a shower: Yes. Usually. Sometimes.
Have a crush(es): Yes.
Think you've been in love: I definitely have, but it was not REAL love, because it was unrequited.
Like(d) high school: Much more than I liked middle school
Want to get married: Only since I was 15.
Believe in yourself: Depends, but usually
Get motion sickness: Only from rapid drops
Think you're attractive: I am, but it doesn't seem to do me much good.
Think you're a health freak: HA! No.
Get along with your parents: Always with my dad, usually with my mom.
Like thunderstorms: As long as I am inside or with good people.
Play an instrument: I played the trumpet once upon a time.
LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank alcohol: Yes
Gone on a date: I wanted to, but no.
Gone to the mall: No
Been on stage: Sadly, no. I wish.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Not in the last month.
Eaten sushi: NO. THANK GOD.
Been dumped: No
Gone skating: No
Gone skinny dipping: No
Stolen anything: No
LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes.
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Only once. Probably not a repeat experience.
Been caught "doing something": Sort of, but not really. I mean... um... moving on!
Been called a tease: Only by those who teased me first.
Gotten beaten up: Nope.
LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER
Age you hope to be married: 22. Oh wait, I'm 24. So let's go with "soon".
Number of children: At least 2, but I would be happy with more.
Describe your dream wedding: I'll leave most of the details to the woman crazy enough to marry me. I think I do want to get married in a church though.
How do you want to die: In my sleep preferably.
What do you want to be when you grow up: I don't know anymore. I suppose something in engineering (preferably electrical) would be good.
What country would you most like to visit: JAPAN.
LAYER NINE: IN A GAL/GUY
Best eye color?: Green
Best hair color?: I seem to be drawn to brunettes.
Height: Between 5 and 6 feet (ideally about 5'5 or 5'6)
Best first date location: I don't have a lot to go on, but I'd love to take someone to the beach for a first date.
Articles of clothing: I'm a fan of flowing skirts and dresses.
Best first kiss location: If I told you, I wouldn't be able to surprise anyone.
LAYER TEN: IN THE NUMBERS
Number of people I could trust with my life: Anyone in my family, and then 6 friends
Number of CD's I own: 7. Yes, I am serious.
Number of piercings: Metal will never intentionally pierce my body.
Number of tattoos: None.
Number of times my name has appeared in the Newspaper?: 4? 5? No more than 10.
Number of scars on my body: Um, none that I'm aware of.
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